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November 15, 2005                                                            << previous          article 8            next >>

My Public Speaking class teacher always taught us to be careul about issues that the public is statistically split on; Issues like abortion rights, gay marriages, and affirmative action. But I've learned to take my Public Speaking teacher's opinion with a grain of salt ever since I realized he was a Public Speaking teacher. Today I'm going to tackle this controversial issue that's got our nation divided: Should drunk drivers be allowed to drive?

I would like to tell you fine people that I know for a FACT that drunk driving not only feels good, but it is the right thing to do. How do I know this? Its because I've applied Aristotle's method of teleological purpose to the issue: Everything has a purpose, and fulfilling that purpose is what is right- therefore feels good. Making love feels good because it propagates the next generation of human beings. Urinating feels good because it allows for necessary purgation. Drunk driving feels good because it keeps rock and roll alive.

My opponents will tell you that drunk driving is 'dangerous'. Well, maybe they've never drunk drove before, because it seems they are idiotically lacking knowledge on this hot-button subject. Let me tell you something about 'drunk driving': the operative word is 'drunk', and the dependant word is 'driving', nobody ever said anything about 'danger'.

I will confess I've been a drunk driver since I was fifteen. Now, I am neither a good drinker (I'm of Asian descent) nor a good driver (I'm of Asian descent). But the most damage I've ever done while drunk driving was stopping to let an elderly woman and her darling grandchild, Morgan, walk across the street, exchanging smiles as they passed. Now, if you're telling me that's a bad thing, maybe I'm just a bad man (sorry Morgan, we can't hang out anymore, Uncle Dennis is a bad man).

The left wing opposition tries to offer alternatives to drunk driving, such as a local program in my town called Safe-Ride, where a driver will pick up drunk people and take them where they need to go for free. Now, I've got to give props to the conservative faction for coming up with this seemingly sensible solution, but upon further examination, this is just another Trojan horse to stop drunk driving entirely. While Safe Ride allows you to be 'drunk', it does not truly allow you to 'drive'. This program severely lacks the implicit element that makes drunk driving such a great past time: 'danger'.

To sum up, I'd like to leave you all with my favorite quip by the late rapper Left-Eye before she burned down NFL receiver Andre Rison's mansion: "I don't give a fuck about you or your squirrel, drunk driving baby, that's just how I roll."