Oral Sex: A Guide For Men and Women
November 8, 2005 << previous article 7 next >>
Gentlemen, your lesson:
Learn to not just love, but also respect your partner's vagina.
Before you even think about oral sex, you need to know what you're putting into your mouth. This idea might be lost in the hustle and bustle of ourl modern society, but think of it this way- you wouldn't sign a important business contract without a meet and greet with your partner- same with oral sex. Before committing oral contraction, make sure to shake hands and get a good feel for the vagina; and don't forget meet its owner, if only to get to know where its coming from. I'm not saying you need to pray in its direction 5 times a day, but just don't prod at it with knives.
Oral sex is frustrating business
when you're born a sillyhead
Despite posed ambivalence and the numerous protests of Natalie Portman, Vaginas stink. Lets face it, that smell is unruly and bunk. So you're asking 'how can I give this so called oral sex then?' A good common practice is to have your lover sit at the table while you eat your favorite dish. So While you're savoring the delicious taste of (insert your fav food if different from mine) cashews, stick your nose into her stink furnace. After a couple of years, you'll think you're eating cashews every time you give head!
The trick to finding and stimulating the clitoris.
Named after the Greek demi-God Clitoris, the organ takes after its namesake, which is to say that its a backstabbing homosexual. Just when you think you have the battle won and the clitoris figured out, it sells you out for a jug of wine from Dionysus. The best thing to do is to disregard collateral damage and do a full scale carpet bombing so you don't miss anything. Plus, the rapid heading bobbing and huffing & puffing really turns a chick on, because it gives her the illusion that a dog is eating her out.
Love isn't relative, its universal
Most experienced orators won't tell you about this trade secret (no doubt because of the trail and error we've been through to attain it), but in keeping this to ourselves, we're only doing a disservice to the ladies. So here it is. The reason why most women have to fake orgasms and the reason men are insecure- it's because they don't know how to finish. After completing oral sex, the man has to blow a raspberry onto the cunt as finale. This makes the ladies feel as if their body is set ablaze with a maching guns. And for the fellas, this is the equivalent of giving himself a well deserved round of applause. One word of warning: do NOT baby-talk to the c-unit afterwards, although it may seem right and even instinctive, the ladies do not like it. I guess its too real for them.
PS. use the finisher with caution if your partner is a squisher, the relationship will never be the same if you accidentally let it hit your throat.
Post coital rhapsody
Too often men are ashamed to make it known that they pleasure their mates orally. Well friends, the green revolution is over and we need to get hip to the fact that giving oral is cool. Personally, I tape the pubic hair of my lover on my face; all of it onto the space between my eyes. This way people know for sure its pubic hair, and they will be respectful yet jealous, becuase they know the pubicly adorned man won't have to give oral again for another seven years. Now onto the ladies...
Ladies, your lesson:
Get down there and suck it. Always
Dennis Lu is a writer for TheDailyComics.com