A Life with Uppercuts: Dennis' Adolescence
November 8, 2005 << previous article 6 next >>
It seems that all my life I've been solving problems with uppercuts. I have to say my father is in large part responsible. whenever someone In our family talked back to father, he would deliver his patented kick: the temple of doom -with pinpoint accuracy- to our temples. Sometimes he would ask a question just to get us to say something. Eventually, we all realized that father was just flat out addicted to kicking us in the temple. When I was fifteen, father found me in my room practicing my uppercuts, he shot me a look and shut the door. He knew.
Nobody's going to tell me
what to do, not anymore
It was hard at first but things are starting to look up at UA (Uppercutter Anonymous).
I'm on step 2 of this 3 step program. The first step was easy for me because I love partying and drinking anyway. But step two: "Recounting all the incidents of uppercutting and apologizing for it", was no cup of cake. Here's some accounts of my past mistakes all the way back from highschool, each followed by a letter of apology.
Tom: You know how the Declaration of Independence says it's self evident all men are made equally? So how do they account for retards?
Me: I don't know.
Tom: I mean, I know I don't want to be lumped together with those retards, you with me?
Me: yeah.
Tom: High five.
Me: Alright...hey, why did you pull your hand away from mine?
Tom: cause. *runs his hand through his hair*
Me: why did you pull your hand away from the high-five?
Tom: cause *flicks imaginary dandruff in my direction*
Me: Why are you doing this to me?
Tom: cause.
-Tom, I'm sorry hitting you with an uppercut after you kept saying 'cause'. I was just so happy to be apart of something, especially since it exempted me from the retards. I was being completely insecure about the subject; my father used to kick me in the temple.
The problem of uppercutting is
often made light of by the media
Judith: "What does that mean?"
Me: "Shhh...the fact that you've never done it is what's going to make it awesome"
Judith: "I have to be going."
Me: "GET AWESOME WITH ME!"
Judith: "NO!"
-Judith, I'm sorry for hitting you with an uppercut after you wouldn't get awesome with me. I just wanted badly to be apart of something. I never learned to take rejection well, that's my fault; my father used to kick me in the temple.
Me: "Sir I need to talk to you about something."
Zoo official: "Please, DO NOT interupt me...the camel which you punched on the date of October 22 was carrying a child, now both the camel and the fetus are dead. We have to detain you until the charges are settled."
Me: "I have a hearing problem, lean into my left ear to talk."
After I punched the Zoo guy in his spinal column, I took off. I had to be on my way for my third and final step anyways: finding my UA sponsor and destroying him with my final uppercut.
Dennis lu is a writer for TheDailyComics.com