The Sandwich Shop with the Best Service
April 21, 2006 << previous article 16 next >>
With so many sandwich companies creating a quality product nowadays it becomes difficult to choose where to shop. The thing that really sets a company apart is customer service, and I'm here to tell you that Subway has some of the best costumer assistance in the country. Here, check out some of the helpful messages I have received in response to my queries:
The Accord was caught by tourist
camera before running head on into
the local Subway. 8 injured.
Subject: re: Application!!!
Thank you for your application for the prestigious position of junior sandwich artist. While it brings us great joy that you wish to join our team, we have run into some concerns with regards to your application. It seems instead of listing any work experience you simply stapled several photos of you eating Subway sandwiches. Furthermore, where we requested your signature you chose to staple a photo of you, nude, eating a Subway sandwich. Contrary to myth, eating sandwiches does not make you a sandwich artist, get back to us when you don't suck.
Lindsey Copperpot, Store Manager
PS: You suck.
From: dlock@subway.com
Subject: re: Check this shit out!!!
Hello, this message is in response to your website: www.xsubwaysandwichesx.com. We are afraid visitors to your website may come to the conclusion that it is connected to our company. While we appreciate your right to free expression, we cannot have our family restaurant associated with such risque artworks.
We take particular offense to the following artworks:
"The Lone Onion": JFK shot in head with sandwich fixings pouring from skull.
"Immaculate Convection" : The Virgin Mary giving birth to a foot-long oven-toasted sub
"Strange Vegetables": Veggie DeLite sandwich hanged from a Sycamore with a white sheriff looking on.
"The Third Bite" : Subway sandwiches arranged into a swastika.
Please remove these quickly, before things get ugly.
David Landlock, Communications
"Pants don't always have to be
on" said Jared "Pants come off."
Subject: re: Your Call!!!
While we value the publicity and local news coverage your hunger strike has garnered us, we can not cave in to your demands. While a single foot long meatball sub would not damage our bottom line, giving in to your demands opens us up to a slew of terrorist threats. Hope you don't die :)
Kathy Williams, PR Department
From: littlejared71@subway.com
Subject: re: Nice cock, twink!!!
Please stop contacting me. While it was at first flattering, your advances crossed a line somewhere between the giant cardboard heart filled with Chicken Teriyaki subs and the photo of your penis in a Bacon Swiss wrap. Whatever sexual innuendos you spotted in my commercials are merely a product of your own fevered imagination.
Jared, Sandwich Connoisseur
PS: However, if you are serious about wanting to get into my pants I'm sure you could fit: I used to wear a size 58 before going on the Subway diet!
From: rwcf23@subway.com
Subject: re: Hot New Sandwich Idea!!!
While I appreciate your interest in the sandwich making business, I do have one question: Who the fuck do you think you are? I didn't just roll out of bed one morning and decide I wanted to create a fucking empire; I've lived sandwiches for the past thirty years. Do you honestly think I'm gonna let some jackass come out of nowhere and tell me how to run my business? I don't care if your sandwich is delicious, fuck, I don't care if it's the next ham & cheese, you have to earn a place on our menu. Get back to me when you've fed "The Intrepid" to starving kids in Botswana, maybe then I'll be convinced to give a damn.
Ronwell Calford, President
From: himself@subway.com
Subject: re: Faggot!!!
Bring it.
Harvey Velveteen, CEO
PS: I hope you don't mind eating all your sandwiches through a tube from now on.
PPS: Bring it hard.
Jimmy Atwell is a writer for TheDailyComics.com