History Unearthed: The Founding Fathers
February 16, 2005 << previous article 13 next >>
Since you are visiting this site I think it is safe to assume that you consider yourself something of a history buff. I'm also guessing that smirk means you are enjoying the salmon. Go to hell.
These were bad people.
"Thomas Jefferson had sex with slaves." Hey, the year 1985 called, he said to shut the fuck up. "John Adams managed to serve as president for four years despite never existing outside George Washington's imagination (surprisingly his son, John Quincy Adams, was very real, and very crass)". What's that? Were you saying something? Sorry, I was too busy puking on a stack of Bibles. You bored me to the point of puking.
On Bibles.
Now if you want some funky fresh history, check out this recently unearthed transcript from the 1787 Constitutional Convention:
James Madison: Alright everyone, let's get down to business on this Constitution.
Ben Franklin: Okay, I'm totally down with the idea of having a Constitution, per se, but don't you think it's too fucking boring? What if we create a sandwich that represents the ideals of this great nation of ours?
Madison: That is complete fucking nonsense. What the hell is your goddamn problem, Franklin?
Franklin: Fuck it then, this Constitution is fucking bullshit.
Thomas Jefferson: Don't give up on it all together just because Madison here is a whiny little bitch.
Madison: You goddamn queers, can we get back to business or what?
Now that's what I call
a more perfect union
Jefferson: FACE!
Franklin: We could use various meats, cheeses, and condiments to represent American values like liberty, equality, and impartiality.
Madison: How the hell are we supposed to depict 'impartiality'?
Hamilton: Your mother would do quite nicely.
Jefferson: Damn, the boy is on fire!
Madison: Goddamn it, did we defeat the British just to sit around like a bunch of bumps on a log?
Hamilton: I don't know, did I fuck your mother just to give her syphilis?
Jefferson: Someone call a medic, Hamilton is cutting deep.
Franklin: I'm gonna go eat a sandwich, see you fags later.
Madison: (Crying)
Hamilton: Seriously though, I was thinking with the second amendment that we should change it to something like "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, I fucked Hamilton's mother."
Jimmy Atwell is a writer for TheDailyComics.com.