Awards That, If We Lived in a Just World,
I Would Have Won




November 22, 2005                                                            << previous          article 10           next >>

Peabody- Apparently the Peabody Awards judges don't consider it 'journalism' to shoot Montel Williams with a crossbow. Apparently those judges have never read a little book called "The Bible". At least 90 percent of The Bible is about shooting Montel Williams with a crossbow.

oscar
A large percentage of
the Oscar night profit
goes to Oscar Wilde
Country Music Award- Toby Keith can sing about putting boots into the asses of Muslims and The Dixie Chicks can malign our president and critics line up around the block to polish their brasses, but I compose a simple diddy calling Osama Bin Laden "a modern Martin Luther King" and everyone acts like I ordered a hamburger at a mexican restaurant. What the fuck, I thought country fans hated MLK.

Pulitzer Prize- My faith in humanity caused me to believe that America was ready for a book about a grilled cheese sandwich that travels back in time to kill Harlem Globetrotters center George "Meadowlark" Lemon, only to discover that he has accidently travelled back to the time of dinosaurs and there is only one person who can save him- Globetrotters forward Theodis "Wolfman" Lee. This faith was obviously misplaced.

Montel Williams
Kids love Montel because
of his mild resemblence
to a common milkdud.
Nobel Prize- You'd think the Nobel Foundation would be interested in a method which would halt the spread of malaria in the African continet, but it seems the moment you propose human sacrifices they turn into a bunch of bird brains. I dislike killing as much as the next person, but Zeus must be appeased.

Olympic Gold Medal- I dare someone to show me where in the rulebook it says you can't be on meth and riding a dirt bike in the 400 meter dash. Too late, I already gouged out my eyeballs!

Oscar- Dresden, Guernica, and Hiroshima all rolled together would not come close to matching the tragedy of there being no "Best Short Film of Wilford Brimley Eating Porridge from a Cowboy Hat" category.

Congressional Medal of Honor- If Ernest Borgnine can receive the Medal of Honor for starring in the 1996 movie "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders", surely I should also receive the Medal of Honor for legally changing my name to "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, starring Ernest Borgnine".

Jimmy Atwell is a writer for TheDailyComics.com