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August 30, 2006                                                            << previous          article 19            next >>


The film Snakes on a Plane was recently released to the delights of snakes and planes everywhere. Sure we all had fun attending the movie and unleashing poisonous snakes in the theatre, but life is not just about unleashing snakes into theatres. Life is about unleashing snakes into the theatres again and again until you get a piece of that American dream. Therefore, I propose a sequel idea to this film along with a handful of others that I've grown tired of holding in my hand; Its a handful.

Snakes on a Plane 2: Revenge of General Pyramus- In this sequel, the snakes once again attack the wrong plane with the wrong bad ass motherfucker aboard. Snake General Raymond Pyramus leads his troop of mostly pitbulls (majorty of the snakes in the world were killed off in the first movie) to terrorize the plane. Unfortunately for Pyramus, he didn't count on Catholic deity St. Patrick to be on board. St. Patrick (played by Regis Philbin) drove the snakes out of the plane just as he did in 5'th century Ireland. But he quickly found himself outmatched by the legion of pitbulls. After having eaten Saint Patrick, the dogs quickly grew guilty of conscience and decided to become Christians. They repented by calming the passengers down and safely landing the aircraft.

Total Recall 2: Totally Recalled- I would really love to see a four titted woman this time. That is all.

He's Got Game 2: Shut Up and Jam- This one is a tough call, because I loved certain parts of the movie and hated the others. For example, I hated the part in the movie where Denzel Washington is trying to encourage Ray Allen to persevere through adversity and get a college education. But I loved the 20 second montage of Allen playing basketball. My suggestion for the sequel: Have the characters play basketball for the entire duration of the film. Don't give me any of that dialogue bullshit neither- Shut up and jam.

Monster 2: Undying Requiem- Critics everywhere loved Monster and the performance of star Charlize Theron. But here's my question: where were the monsters? I hope this is addressed in the sequel.

My Father is a Shrimp 2: Gone Shrimpin'- I'm a sucker for romantic movies with a twist, but the ending for this movie left much to be desired. I hope this sequel is eventually released, cause My Father is a Shrimp 2 is the perfect movie to cuddle up to a loved one to.

Ray 2: Ray of Light- The first film chornicled the life of Stevie Ray, the morbid angel of death and despair. In the sequel, I'd like to see Ray Raymono featured. As he would surely bring America some muched needed fun to brighten up our days.

The Retard that Could 2: Retard City- This time around, I don't want to watch scenes repeatedly interrupted by an arbitrary arrow shot into every antagonist's forehead to solve the retard's problems.

Blast From the Past 2: Bombs Away- We all had a blast watching the first movie, sure. But that didn't help audiences everywhere from being sorely disspointed by the blast from the past the movie failed to deliver. Nevermind being from the past, there were hardly any explosions at all. Maybe the directors will learn not to promise anything they can't deliver and give us some real blasts from the past in the sequel. Also, I'd like to see Christoper Walken heat up two Dr. Peppers in the microwave this time around.