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November 17, 2005                                                            << previous          article 9            next >>

Nowadays it seems like you can't turn on your television or go for a ride in your personal hot air balloon without somebody acting like they know shit about Thomas Edison.

I swear, just this afternoon I was in a coffee shop getting my usual (boisenberry scone and a glass of pumpkin cider) when I overheard some chump talking about how Edison invented the double seater bike for his wife on their tenth anniversary. This bozo didn't even know how to buy a blazer that compliments his skin tone, and he thinks I'm supposed to take him seriously when he talks about Edison? I'll do you all a favor, just as I did him, and tell you how some of Thomas Edison's most important inventions came about.

Incandescent Light Bulb
Nowadays, with all our microwave steaks and leather V-neck shirts, it is easy to forget there was once a time when light bulbs weren't incandescent. Yes, it is true. During Edison's childhood, light bulbs were primarily used for baby food, while most light was supplied by igniting buffalo skulls. At the age of 17 ,Thomas met a young lady that really struck his fancy. During an attempt to compose a love poem Edison hit a road block in creating a rhyme for "tin ham crescent light bulb", and after several hours all he could come up with was "incandescent light bulb". Edison knew there was no way this cutie pie was going to let him touch her boobs if he carried on about non-existent variety of light bulb. And that's how Edison came to invent the first incandescent light bulb (as well as another invention: the rock hard boner).

Phonograph
Every serious scholar knows that Edison was an out-of-control opium addict. This has been so well established that I feel no need to support this claim with any evidence, though if you want to disagree I'll be glad to point at you while I look at my buddies with a "what's the deal with this guy?" expression on my face. Anyway, so this Edison fella is all whacked out on 'Lincoln's Ghost' (that's what they called it back then) when he stumbles into an upscale sandwich shop. Upon eating his sandwich (bald eagle lungs between two slices of cantaloupe, nicknamed "The Barrister") Edison was so inspired that he wrote a ong about it ("it" referring to "The Barrister"). Knowing he would be unable to remember the melody and words to this song (which included the line: "a sandwich most divine/ goes good with cherry wine") in his drug-addled state, Edison set to developing the phonograph.

Electric Skeleton Remover
It must be recognized that as much as he accomplished in his life, Edison's later years were marked by a decrease in both productivity and sanity. Considering the circumstances, It is impressive that Edison's final invention, the electric skeleton remover, was a complete success. That is to say, it would be impressive if not for the fact that "complete success" means that it ripped every bone from his body, leaving him a lifeless lump of flesh.