Doing the Atkins Diet with a Man Named Lou
November 29, 2005 << previous article 12 next >>
April 3: Last night at the bar I noticed a couple of pretty ladies looking my way so I decided to go talk to them. Upon introducing myself they explained that they had a bet going about which one of them could stare at me longer without barfing. Half way through explaining that looking at fat pieces of shit makes them nauseous, one of the girls vomited all over the bar. I think it is time for me to lose some weight.
April 6: I've decided that I'm going to go on Atkin's to get my weight under control. All my friends keep telling me that it is a bad idea and that my real problem is that I haven't exercised in 7 years and that I eat 3 dinners every night, but my diet coach Lou tells me that my real problem is carbs. Lou seems to know a lot about carbs.
Dr. Atkins's diet worked so
well, he turned into a king
April 23: Wow, this is amazing, it has only been a few weeks and I've already lost 25 pounds. I figured this diet was awesome, but I thought Lou had to be exaggerating. He wasn't, going on Atkin's was the best decision of my life, even better than joining the Morgan Freeman Fan Club (with access to tons of members-only photos and interviews!).
April 29: Things are going great, not only do I have more energy, but last night I got pretty girl's phone number. I can't even remember the last time my appearance caused someone to barf.
May 2: Mission Accomplished! Today I reached my target weight of 180 pounds. Lou rewarded me with a carb-free cake (butter frosted with ranch dressing). This is the greatest day of my life.
May 4: I was hoping I could relax a bit and have a cookie or something after reaching my goal, but Lou warned me that the carbs are still a major threat, not to be taken lightly. He showed me his pictures of Chuck Norris fighting carbs. Apparently in his mind carbs look like werewolves.
the number of time a carb gave
Norris any guff: one, just one.
May 27: I haven't written anything lately because not much has happened. The weight has stayed gone and Lou seems impressed with my performance. I had a date last night, everything was going really well until I called her a whore for ordering a baked potato. In unrelated news, lately even the slightest physical activity causes me to sweat profusely.
June 19: I feel strange saying this, since I'm only twenty years old, but last week I had a heart attack. I asked Lou if it had anything to do with the diet, but he assured me it is just a sign of the carbs' desperation and that I need to kick things up a notch. Lou seemed kind of pissed when I asked if Emeril had that phrase copyrighted and told me to buy a bunch of these Carb-Buster bars.
July 2: As of this week I am two thousand dollars in debt from buying all these nutrition bars. When I asked Lou if I there was some way I could be spending less money, he told me that doing so would only embolden the carbs. I'm beginning to doubt if Lou really knows what he is talking about.
July 11: Today, citing my recent health problems, I talked to Lou about getting off the diet. After punching several holes in the wall Lou told me that cutting and running is just what the carbs want and doing so would be disastrous for my body. Of all the diets I've tried in my life none have resulted in me being called a coward and a traitor.
July 20: I have to write this quickly, for it seems Lou is now living in my house. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if I had invited him or if he would even admit he was here, but he insists on hiding behind curtains and not responding when I call out to him. I had two more heart attacks this week. I think Lou is going to murder me.
July 25: After having 3 heart attacks in one day I tried talking to Lou about a gradual withdrawal from the Atkin's diet. He seemed to have some kind of breakdown, something about carbs raping him as a young boy. After he stopped crying and bleeding all over my new couch, he left. I don't think I'm ever going to see Lou again.
July 26: I ate an apple today, I think my vision is returning.
Jimmy Atwell is a writer for TheDailyComics.com